There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 14:12)
I don’t think there’s a gal alive who can’t relate to that and who wouldn’t admit to changing her mind after discovering how foolish she’d been! We’ve all done it; fallen for the crazy new diet that worked wonders for a friend while we just kept gaining. We’ve trusted that highly recommended hair stylist who charged a fortune only to leave us looking like someone else on a bad hair day. How about those totally cute shoes we thought were so hot but left us blistered and limping for days? We’ve “gone with our gut” in spite of the experiences and wisdoms of others. Her less than respectable ex-boyfriend will be “different with us” and the butcher knife he takes to our self-esteem comes with great surprise. We eat what we want in spite of what the nutritionists advise and then we wonder why we’re chubby or have high cholesterol. We don’t notice the weeds planted in the gardens of our hearts until they fail to fully blossom. Not examples of actual death, per se, but you get my drift; things that seemed right yet give new meaning to the phrase “What was I thinking?!”
Ways that seem right, but in the end lead to death. Some definitions of death are: “the end of life, destruction, a cause or occasion of death” and (the worst), “the loss or absence of spiritual life.” If we knew (not thought) ahead of time that something would lead to any one of those, would we still choose it? If we truly believed that we would suffer the loss or absence of spiritual life, would we alter our paths? We hope we’d say no and yes to those questions, yet we often reverse the order of those answers, time and time again. In spite of how temporary the benefits may be, we risk a definition of death, the most detrimental of all, being the loss of spiritual life.
Consequences of what seemed right, when they catch up with us, seem unfair and random. Lack of wisdom is always hard for the foolish to detect. Yet God in His infinite goodness, warns us. His word is full of loving guidance on how to live the life He’s planned for us, and how to avoid that which will keep us from it. Why do we gamble on the fickle, at best, ways of the world while we mistrust the word of God, which is the same yesterday, today and always, and has never been disproven? Why do we choose that which brings death over the word that brings life?
The way that seems right to a man, does not appear to be wrong until the consequences set in and we realize what’s dying in us or around us. Consequences of sin will wound us deeply, but receiving the grace of God which redeems and restores, can heal us and make all things new. If we truly seek Him, He’ll create in us a right heart with the wisdom to discern what merely seems.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
My Knight in Shining Armor
I had an extremely vivid imagination when I was a young girl. I created a sense of security for that which I felt lost in. Some things were happier in my mind then in reality. There’s always the possibility that I was just whimsical and creative. I may never know the reasons why, but without a doubt I was good at going other places in my mind, and I’ve sometimes carried that little gift into adulthood.
Whether playing The Girl With 1,000 Dresses with Kathy and Barbara, entertaining Joellen with tales of my “other sisters” (the perfect ones I felt just as good as in my fantasies), or escaping that which disappointed me, I might have won awards if only I’d written movie scripts! Especially Chick Flicks and love stories.
One fairy tale I wove well was all about my Knight in Shining Armor. He never failed to answer the cries of my heart when anyone broke it. He was the most consistent man (other than my father), that I’ve ever “known.” When I wasn’t “good enough” and a boyfriend lied, cheated or just merely moved on, that faceless guy without fail thundered in on his majestic white horse. With one swoop of a muscular arm I’d be rescued from the mere mortals who couldn’t see my value. More often than not, I made him so good that regular guys couldn’t hold a candle and I trusted in him more than even myself. My vision often blurred from retreating into the promise of him, and kept me from discovering and loving myself for who I was. But always, he restored my hopes of the Happy Ending, even if I temporarily left him behind with each new relationship that captured my fickle fancy.
I almost fully believed that he’d come along and right all my wrongs. That he’d stay when the others (or I) left. That he’d be perfect and find me perfect and life would be perfect with him. It took me a long, foolish time to realize my Knight wasn’t ever coming! He was already WITH ME and my illusions had blinded me to His true identity! My Knight, the true lover of my soul wasn’t a man or figment of my imagination at all. He was real,the Son of God, the only one who could ever deliver me from my heartaches and misconceptions! He’d been in my heartaches with me, but in my self indulgent, self-inflicted isolation, I’d not sensed His presence! He never left as I sought true love elsewhere. As He always does, He waited patiently for me to respond to His tender calling of my name.
Some people seem to have always known Him. Some respond a lot quicker to His promptings, and some never hear or believe in Him at all. Not me. For reasons He's still revealing, I keep thinking I might know myself a little better than He does, and try to take the lead in this dance He’s choreographed for the two of us. I wonder if He smiles knowingly or winces each time I stub my toes and step on His. He never misses a beat. The moment I relax back into His arms and follow His lead, He provides just the grace I need to recover the rhythm. The more intimately we dance, the more I come to know Him; the more I come to know myself. I'm finding I'm not anything like my sorrows made me fear or my joys made me cling to. No wonder life felt so tumultuous before I realized Him – I was living life as someone other than He intended me to be!
How silly of me for wasting my energies creating fairy tales when I've always been so dearly loved by the King! There's so much more joy in His company then a mere Knight in Shining Armor's!
Whether playing The Girl With 1,000 Dresses with Kathy and Barbara, entertaining Joellen with tales of my “other sisters” (the perfect ones I felt just as good as in my fantasies), or escaping that which disappointed me, I might have won awards if only I’d written movie scripts! Especially Chick Flicks and love stories.
One fairy tale I wove well was all about my Knight in Shining Armor. He never failed to answer the cries of my heart when anyone broke it. He was the most consistent man (other than my father), that I’ve ever “known.” When I wasn’t “good enough” and a boyfriend lied, cheated or just merely moved on, that faceless guy without fail thundered in on his majestic white horse. With one swoop of a muscular arm I’d be rescued from the mere mortals who couldn’t see my value. More often than not, I made him so good that regular guys couldn’t hold a candle and I trusted in him more than even myself. My vision often blurred from retreating into the promise of him, and kept me from discovering and loving myself for who I was. But always, he restored my hopes of the Happy Ending, even if I temporarily left him behind with each new relationship that captured my fickle fancy.
I almost fully believed that he’d come along and right all my wrongs. That he’d stay when the others (or I) left. That he’d be perfect and find me perfect and life would be perfect with him. It took me a long, foolish time to realize my Knight wasn’t ever coming! He was already WITH ME and my illusions had blinded me to His true identity! My Knight, the true lover of my soul wasn’t a man or figment of my imagination at all. He was real,the Son of God, the only one who could ever deliver me from my heartaches and misconceptions! He’d been in my heartaches with me, but in my self indulgent, self-inflicted isolation, I’d not sensed His presence! He never left as I sought true love elsewhere. As He always does, He waited patiently for me to respond to His tender calling of my name.
Some people seem to have always known Him. Some respond a lot quicker to His promptings, and some never hear or believe in Him at all. Not me. For reasons He's still revealing, I keep thinking I might know myself a little better than He does, and try to take the lead in this dance He’s choreographed for the two of us. I wonder if He smiles knowingly or winces each time I stub my toes and step on His. He never misses a beat. The moment I relax back into His arms and follow His lead, He provides just the grace I need to recover the rhythm. The more intimately we dance, the more I come to know Him; the more I come to know myself. I'm finding I'm not anything like my sorrows made me fear or my joys made me cling to. No wonder life felt so tumultuous before I realized Him – I was living life as someone other than He intended me to be!
How silly of me for wasting my energies creating fairy tales when I've always been so dearly loved by the King! There's so much more joy in His company then a mere Knight in Shining Armor's!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Second Day Welcome
Long overdue and excited to jump back into writing, I neglected to open this blog with a "welcome post". Never in my 51 years would I imagine I'd be blogging, or even know what that meant. To say that no one ever blogged when I was young makes me feel like my mother and then think two things; how blessed I am to be like my mother, and wait...I'm still young! Just not the kind of young that young used to be.
So who am I and why am I suddenly blogging? Ever since I became one, my first claim to identity is that I'm a mom, of two of the most wonderful sons a girl could dream to have. They are my greatest blessings, my deepest joys, and truly my life would not be my life without them. I've often felt like a woman with a little girl's broken heart, not quite knowing why or how her wounds stunted my growth. Not embracing the season will do that if you're not careful. It'll keep you hiding from the past, timid in the now, preventing you from dancing with abandon to the song God's placed in your soul. Strong on the outside, I've sometimes walked wounded, clinging to that little girl's heart because I was too afraid of who I might be without it.
A friend of mine, full of wisdom and grace, once told me she tried to embrace every season she found herself in. Having been in a particularly painful place at the time, I just wanted to get out of my crappy "season" and certainly didn't want to embrace it! In my state of mind then, I was incapable of embracing anything other than the wounds and walls I'd built around them. Without them, I wasn't sure who'd be left, or if I was ready for the changes that letting go of them might bring. Thank you, Sandra, for planting the seed that God would water and use to turn me into a "seasonal woman"! I'm no longer frozen by the cold winds of the storms, unable to feel the promise of each new day. It's a beautiful and exciting place to be.
I'm also a lover of the Lord. Having been raised with an awareness of God, at 27 my life-long best friend, Joellen, shared her new-found relationship with Christ with me. With more trust in her then in Him, I skeptically invited Him into my own heart. God is incredibly gracious in that He receives even the most pitiful of our reluctant offerings, and He patiently waits, never letting us go, while we gain the wisdom to trust Him with the rest. If you're not into the Lord, you may not be into this blog, for it will be just as laced with His presence as mine. You cannot separate us, me and my God, for in Him, I live and breathe and have my being. I so much more than thank you, Joelle, for introducing me to the One who is the true lover of my soul.
I'm a daughter, sister, auntie and friend. My 85 year old mother is a remarkable woman and perhaps my greatest fan. Much to the joy of my heart, she still calls me "Doll". My little sister, the youngest of 6, has loved me along with more wisdom and maturity than I've often had. She has loved my sons as if they were her own: and in doing so, they have been. Amazingly unconditionally loving friends and two exceptionally Christ-like, totally cool pastors have shaped my life and believed in and for me, in spite of me. They have spoken truth to me when my hope staggered and I toyed with believing misconceptions again. Most importantly, they knew the power of prayer and faithfulness of God when I questioned both, and have prayed for my healing. I'm a sinner, washed by the blood, not always accepting with grace the mercy that God has not once failed to give me. I'm an encourager, a worshipper, and a believer in spite of and often because of the losses I've mourned way too long and let define me. Having finally learned to embrace the seasons, I'm finding peace with their passage and looking expectancy towards those yet to come.
I'm blogging because too long ago, I let disappointments silence my voice and halt the experiences God laid on my heart to share. Sin, both your own and those committed against you, will do that if you don't allow the Lord into them. I've always been a girl of many words (!) and have longed to write and be read. By whom I'm unsure, but in the acceptance and extension of forgiveness and trust in redemption, I've come to realize that I am merely to write with an honest, transparent heart. My youngest son's belief in me helped me reclaim my own. He's a man who's opinions I value, and his thinking I had something worthy of being shared rekindled my confidence. A "chance", as if there is such a thing, reaquaintance with a long-lost friend who shared how she has lived her passions, made me realize it was time to stop neglecting some of my own. I am eternally grateful, Dawn, and hope we will continue to share our stories. Thank you Chereé, Sarah and Jen for speaking words of encouragement, and Karen, for taking your own leap of faith that made mine feel possible.
It is God who will guide those He wants my journey to be shared with. Whether you've happened onto or been invited into the intimacies of my thoughts, I pray that you will hear all that the Lord will whisper into your own. May He bless you as He has me, through that which we sometimes stagger. I pray that He will be glorified as you come to know Him more intimately, no matter how little or well you might know Him now. I pray you will trust Him in the seasons of your life when I did not in mine, that you will open your heart where I held just enough of mine back. That He will heal you of that which may keep you from Him, so that you will experience all He has for you. Whoever you are that may be reading, I pray you know that He loves you like no other, and has great plans for you!
You will learn more about me if you choose to keep reading. More than that, I pray that you will learn more about yourself! Our journeys are purposeful and not at all about who we think we are. They're about discovering who He's created us to be and confidently walking with Him! So welcome, to all the things I've wanted to say but fear made me think I shouldn't.
So who am I and why am I suddenly blogging? Ever since I became one, my first claim to identity is that I'm a mom, of two of the most wonderful sons a girl could dream to have. They are my greatest blessings, my deepest joys, and truly my life would not be my life without them. I've often felt like a woman with a little girl's broken heart, not quite knowing why or how her wounds stunted my growth. Not embracing the season will do that if you're not careful. It'll keep you hiding from the past, timid in the now, preventing you from dancing with abandon to the song God's placed in your soul. Strong on the outside, I've sometimes walked wounded, clinging to that little girl's heart because I was too afraid of who I might be without it.
A friend of mine, full of wisdom and grace, once told me she tried to embrace every season she found herself in. Having been in a particularly painful place at the time, I just wanted to get out of my crappy "season" and certainly didn't want to embrace it! In my state of mind then, I was incapable of embracing anything other than the wounds and walls I'd built around them. Without them, I wasn't sure who'd be left, or if I was ready for the changes that letting go of them might bring. Thank you, Sandra, for planting the seed that God would water and use to turn me into a "seasonal woman"! I'm no longer frozen by the cold winds of the storms, unable to feel the promise of each new day. It's a beautiful and exciting place to be.
I'm also a lover of the Lord. Having been raised with an awareness of God, at 27 my life-long best friend, Joellen, shared her new-found relationship with Christ with me. With more trust in her then in Him, I skeptically invited Him into my own heart. God is incredibly gracious in that He receives even the most pitiful of our reluctant offerings, and He patiently waits, never letting us go, while we gain the wisdom to trust Him with the rest. If you're not into the Lord, you may not be into this blog, for it will be just as laced with His presence as mine. You cannot separate us, me and my God, for in Him, I live and breathe and have my being. I so much more than thank you, Joelle, for introducing me to the One who is the true lover of my soul.
I'm a daughter, sister, auntie and friend. My 85 year old mother is a remarkable woman and perhaps my greatest fan. Much to the joy of my heart, she still calls me "Doll". My little sister, the youngest of 6, has loved me along with more wisdom and maturity than I've often had. She has loved my sons as if they were her own: and in doing so, they have been. Amazingly unconditionally loving friends and two exceptionally Christ-like, totally cool pastors have shaped my life and believed in and for me, in spite of me. They have spoken truth to me when my hope staggered and I toyed with believing misconceptions again. Most importantly, they knew the power of prayer and faithfulness of God when I questioned both, and have prayed for my healing. I'm a sinner, washed by the blood, not always accepting with grace the mercy that God has not once failed to give me. I'm an encourager, a worshipper, and a believer in spite of and often because of the losses I've mourned way too long and let define me. Having finally learned to embrace the seasons, I'm finding peace with their passage and looking expectancy towards those yet to come.
I'm blogging because too long ago, I let disappointments silence my voice and halt the experiences God laid on my heart to share. Sin, both your own and those committed against you, will do that if you don't allow the Lord into them. I've always been a girl of many words (!) and have longed to write and be read. By whom I'm unsure, but in the acceptance and extension of forgiveness and trust in redemption, I've come to realize that I am merely to write with an honest, transparent heart. My youngest son's belief in me helped me reclaim my own. He's a man who's opinions I value, and his thinking I had something worthy of being shared rekindled my confidence. A "chance", as if there is such a thing, reaquaintance with a long-lost friend who shared how she has lived her passions, made me realize it was time to stop neglecting some of my own. I am eternally grateful, Dawn, and hope we will continue to share our stories. Thank you Chereé, Sarah and Jen for speaking words of encouragement, and Karen, for taking your own leap of faith that made mine feel possible.
It is God who will guide those He wants my journey to be shared with. Whether you've happened onto or been invited into the intimacies of my thoughts, I pray that you will hear all that the Lord will whisper into your own. May He bless you as He has me, through that which we sometimes stagger. I pray that He will be glorified as you come to know Him more intimately, no matter how little or well you might know Him now. I pray you will trust Him in the seasons of your life when I did not in mine, that you will open your heart where I held just enough of mine back. That He will heal you of that which may keep you from Him, so that you will experience all He has for you. Whoever you are that may be reading, I pray you know that He loves you like no other, and has great plans for you!
You will learn more about me if you choose to keep reading. More than that, I pray that you will learn more about yourself! Our journeys are purposeful and not at all about who we think we are. They're about discovering who He's created us to be and confidently walking with Him! So welcome, to all the things I've wanted to say but fear made me think I shouldn't.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
When my real journey started...
On the day I received the first of my two greatest blessings from the Lord, before we even wheeled out of the birthing room, a devoid-of-joy delivery nurse looked at the precious and perfect baby boy in my arms and knowingly said, "Well, you know what they say. A son's your son til he takes a wife, but a daughter's your daughter all her life." With razor sharp sarcasm, she unwittingly (or perhaps intentionally) pricked a tiny little hole in the enormous bubble I was caught up in, planting the first nagging seed of potential loss in my already braced-for-loss "survivor's heart."
Barely able to choke back the tears, I blurted out to my then-husband, "Oh, not our son! Please promise we'll be the kind of parents our daughter-in-law will love, so we never lose our son!" He nodded his agreement, years away from the knowledge that his choices would eventually leave us parenting separately.
It's now been twenty-seven years. My son has miraculously and by the grace of God grown into the kind of man I prayed he'd be. I blinked and my baby became a man I admire and thoroughly enjoy - in spite of his lingering "boysness" and totally guy-like personality. He's an old soul in many ways, tender-hearted and loving, with an emotional awareness that comes perhaps with being raised for many years by a single mom. My deepest prayers have been answered - my son loves the Lord and is a good and decent person who blesses the world daily. Mothering him and his little brother has blessed me beyond measure, and completed me in ways nothing else has. Hands down, aside from my relationship with Christ, he and his brother bring me my deepest joys.
And he's taking a wife. They are soon to be married and my son's choice could not please me more. My future daughter-in-law is a kindred spirit of mine. She is more reserved at first than I, but sensitive and thoughtful in many of the same ways. She loves the Lord, and almost as importantly, loves my son in the way only a mother would pray for. I not only love her as my son's chosen, I genuinely like her and trust that she will allow us to share my son, and not take him from me as that foreboding nurse proclaimed.
I've been too looking forward to this new season my son is about to enter, and in my own soon to blossom relationship with my daughter-in-law, to focus on the potential loss. When that nagging little fear tries to deflate my joy, so far I'm choosing to trust that she and I will join forces and she will extend the same welcome into her family as I extend her into mine. She doesn't know it, and perhaps will never fully comprehend, but I have prayed for her my son's entire life. She didn't have a name, nor a face, but her identity was established years ago. She is the woman who will share the life of the man who through me, God gave life to. By His grace, she is the mother my grandchildren will rise up to call Blessed. The Lord chose her long before my son did, and I know both of their integrities well enough to trust their decisions!
It's an unchartered season we're entering, but I'm trusting that as in all others, the Lord will guide us in our maneuvering through it. I will embrace this new season, rather than try to cling to the familiar, as I have done so many times in the past. I am grateful that as my son trusts his God and his dreams enough to embark upon them, the Lord has begun to heal me of the wounds that kept me afraid to do the same.
It's been twenty-seven years, and yet it's been but a blink of the eye. As cherished as our past has been, in my spirit I know new blessings are ahead. I could not be more grateful, or more blessed.
Barely able to choke back the tears, I blurted out to my then-husband, "Oh, not our son! Please promise we'll be the kind of parents our daughter-in-law will love, so we never lose our son!" He nodded his agreement, years away from the knowledge that his choices would eventually leave us parenting separately.
It's now been twenty-seven years. My son has miraculously and by the grace of God grown into the kind of man I prayed he'd be. I blinked and my baby became a man I admire and thoroughly enjoy - in spite of his lingering "boysness" and totally guy-like personality. He's an old soul in many ways, tender-hearted and loving, with an emotional awareness that comes perhaps with being raised for many years by a single mom. My deepest prayers have been answered - my son loves the Lord and is a good and decent person who blesses the world daily. Mothering him and his little brother has blessed me beyond measure, and completed me in ways nothing else has. Hands down, aside from my relationship with Christ, he and his brother bring me my deepest joys.
And he's taking a wife. They are soon to be married and my son's choice could not please me more. My future daughter-in-law is a kindred spirit of mine. She is more reserved at first than I, but sensitive and thoughtful in many of the same ways. She loves the Lord, and almost as importantly, loves my son in the way only a mother would pray for. I not only love her as my son's chosen, I genuinely like her and trust that she will allow us to share my son, and not take him from me as that foreboding nurse proclaimed.
I've been too looking forward to this new season my son is about to enter, and in my own soon to blossom relationship with my daughter-in-law, to focus on the potential loss. When that nagging little fear tries to deflate my joy, so far I'm choosing to trust that she and I will join forces and she will extend the same welcome into her family as I extend her into mine. She doesn't know it, and perhaps will never fully comprehend, but I have prayed for her my son's entire life. She didn't have a name, nor a face, but her identity was established years ago. She is the woman who will share the life of the man who through me, God gave life to. By His grace, she is the mother my grandchildren will rise up to call Blessed. The Lord chose her long before my son did, and I know both of their integrities well enough to trust their decisions!
It's an unchartered season we're entering, but I'm trusting that as in all others, the Lord will guide us in our maneuvering through it. I will embrace this new season, rather than try to cling to the familiar, as I have done so many times in the past. I am grateful that as my son trusts his God and his dreams enough to embark upon them, the Lord has begun to heal me of the wounds that kept me afraid to do the same.
It's been twenty-seven years, and yet it's been but a blink of the eye. As cherished as our past has been, in my spirit I know new blessings are ahead. I could not be more grateful, or more blessed.
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